


Meant To Be

by VisiblyHidden



Series: Merrical Moments [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Jealousy, Merrin POV, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-16 07:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21504478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisiblyHidden/pseuds/VisiblyHidden
Summary: After traveling with the crew of the Mantis for months, Merrin struggles to come to terms with her feelings for Cal.
Relationships: Cal Kestis/Nightsister Merrin, Merrical
Series: Merrical Moments [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553065
Comments: 11
Kudos: 254





	Meant To Be

**Author's Note:**

> Stayed up until 5am writing this beast, because I really just needed a fic like this lol

She’d been traveling with them for well over four months now. In that time Merrin had gotten to know the  _ Mantis _ crew pretty well. They welcomed her with open arms, once she’d proved herself, and really, they were the kindest people she’d ever met. But somehow, Merrin still felt as though she was an outsider, like she didn’t belong.

There was only one person who  _ truly  _ understood her, and that was Cal. From the moment she’d first met him, something drew her to him. She wasn’t sure if it was his infuriating persistence, or the fact that he wasn’t afraid of her when most others would’ve been. For force sake, Merrin was a Nightsister...a  _ witch, _ as some would call her. That knowledge alone, was usually enough to deter most people, but not Cal. He didn’t look at her like she was something to be feared. Instead, he empathized with her, since he too, had lost everything. More than that, he’d sensed how lonely she’d become, and wanted her to come with him. And against her better judgment, she left the only place she’d ever known to join him on his mission.

At the time, Merrin didn’t understand what had compelled her to leave everything she knew behind, and accept his offer. But now? She was pretty sure she knew what it was. It was the same  _ feeling  _ that told her something was terribly wrong when Cal had gone to the Fortress, and hadn’t returned. It was the same  _ feeling  _ that made her jump into the freezing cold water to rescue him, and it was the same  _ feeling,  _ that compelled her to hug him the moment he came out of his room the day he’d been injured.

Whatever it was that was drawing her to him, was something she couldn’t ignore. And as time passed, this  _ feeling _ grew stronger. Merrin often wondered if he felt anything remotely similar, but she dared not broach the subject. Cal had become a very important part of her life now, and she didn’t want to ruin that. No, Merrin would just have to be content with what they had. Though she wished they could be something  _ more, _ it seemed it wasn’t in the cards for her, especially when  _ she _ came aboard.

Keylan Shryel, was a human girl they encountered on one of the planets in the Outer Rim. Though she wasn’t force sensitive, she was a highly skilled pilot, and she was adept at fixing almost anything she could get her hands on. Keylan was sympathetic to their cause, and she hated the  _ Empire _ for killing her parents. She’d practically begged them to let her join them. Merrin should’ve been happy to have such a worthy addition to their crew, except that she wasn’t. Keylan was everything they needed and more. It also didn’t help matters that she was actually a nice person, which meant that Merrin had no real reason to dislike her. And perhaps she wouldn’t have disliked her so, if it weren’t for the fact that Keylan was probably the prettiest girl she’d ever seen...a fact that hadn’t gone unnoticed by Cal, either. He seemed to be spending more and more time with her these days, and Merrin’s heart sank at that realization.

She was fully aware of how utterly childish this all was, but she couldn’t help it. Every time she saw Keylan laughing with Cal, she wanted to punch a hole in the wall, or scream. She’d lost count of how many times she had to excuse herself, because watching them was just  _ too _ much.

But Cal would never know any of that. He would never know just how much he meant to her. Not that it mattered anyway. Cal had Keylan now, and they seemed to be getting on just fine. Since they were both human, Merrin figured they’d understand each other in a way that she might never be able to understand Cal.

She just needed to accept that Cal would never see her  _ that _ way. She needed to try to be happy for him. He was her friend first and foremost.

A knock on her door brought her out of her misery.

“Enter.” She really wasn’t in the mood for niceties just yet.

In stepped Cere. The woman had taken to checking in on her every now and then. She’d once mentioned something about Merrin reminding her of someone she used to know, and had made it her personal mission to make sure Merrin was looked after. If what Cal told her was true, then she had an idea as to who exactly she reminded her of.

“Merrin? Aren’t you going to come eat? Everyone's waiting.”

“I am not hungry.” Cere looked at her for a moment, before she came to sit next to her.

“Alright. What’s this really about then?” She hated that. The way Cere seemed to know something was wrong, when all Merrin wanted to do was be alone for the moment.

“Nothing at all.” She was sure her clipped answers weren’t helping things, because Cere didn’t make any attempt to leave.

“I’m aware that I’ve only known you for a short time, but I can tell something’s bothering you. I won’t force it out of you, but if you feel like you want to talk, you know where to find me.” With that, Cere gave her a warm smile, and left.

Later that night, there was a knock on her door again. This time though, Merrin all but ripped the door open in her frustration, to reveal a surprised Cal.

“Merrin! I-uh...you didn’t eat dinner, so I thought I’d bring you some leftovers.” In his outstretched hand, was a plate of whatever it was they’d had for dinner.

“Oh, thank you.” She took the plate from him, setting it down on her bed. “Sorry if I scared you.”

“You could never scare me.” He said with that annoying smirk of his.

“Is that supposed to be a compliment?” Merrin tried to joke back, but she felt like she was failing, horribly. She needed to change the subject. “What is everyone doing?” She asked, hoping he didn’t pick up on her odd behavior.

“Keylan and I were about to play some cards, but we could use another player. So how about it?”

There was no way in hell Merrin was about to be a third wheel, and be forced to watch Keylan drool over Cal. “That sounds fun, really.”  _ Not.  _ “But I think I will turn in for the night. I’m exhausted.”

“Oh.” Cal frowned. Was she imagining things, or did he seem disappointed? She really couldn’t tell. “Well if you change your mind, you’re more than welcome to join us.” He paused, studying her closely. “Goodnight Merrin.”

With that, he left, presumably to join Keylan for their card game. “Goodnight Cal.” She whispered, knowing he wouldn’t have heard her.

* * *

The next morning found Merrin downing two whole cups of Caf. She hadn’t slept at all last night, and the lack of sleep was finally hitting her. She was about to go for another, when a hand stopped her.

“You should take it easy with that, it’s not the best thing for you, especially not before you’ve eaten a proper meal.” Of course it was Cere.

“I did not know anyone else was awake yet.” Merrin grumbled, “but I really don’t care if this is bad for me. It’s the only thing that helps.”

The other woman sighed, “would this have anything to do with what’s been bothering you?”

Merrin looked at Cere, wondering if it would be alright to let her in. “It’s...it’s complicated.”

“Isn’t it always?”

She struggled to form her next words carefully, “how do you heal a broken heart?” For a moment, Cere was quiet. It seemed that whatever the other woman expected to hear, wasn’t this.

“Well, I can’t say I have much experience with matters of the heart, but from what I’ve heard, it’s time. Time heals most wounds.” She moved to sit next to Merrin, resting a comforting hand on her shoulder. “But tell me, why are you so certain your heart is broken?”

Cere did it again. That thing where she knows more than she lets on. Merrin hadn’t specifically stated it was her own heart she was talking about, but somehow Cere had figured it out. Or maybe it was Merrin’s disheveled appearance that had given it away. Yeah, that was probably it.

“I just know it is.”

Cere gave her a pointed look, “it’s Cal, isn’t it?”

Merrin choked on her Caf. “H-how?” She couldn’t even speak, let alone form a coherent thought at the moment.

“I notice a lot more than you think I do. I see the way you look at him. And I know you’re jealous of Keylan.”

“I-I don’t…”

“She’s a lovely girl, but she’s not you.” Cere squeezed her shoulders, “you should tell him how you feel.”

At that, she found her voice once more. “I cannot do that. I refuse to risk ruining our friendship.”

“Just think about it, alright?” Cere gave her a hug, before leaving the room.

_ Tell him? Was she crazy? _

Merrin spent the rest of the day helping the crew where she could, making it a point to avoid Keylan  _ and  _ Cal. After her talk with Cere, she just couldn’t handle seeing the two of them together for awhile.

* * *

Later that evening, Merrin had decided to skip dinner  _ again, _ which displeased Cere a great deal. She just wasn’t in the mood. She was better off staying in her room, not bothering everyone else. Some peace and quiet would do her a load of good.

But like most things in her life, Merrin didn’t get what she wanted. A knock on her door interrupted her once more.

“Yes?” The door slides open to reveal Cal.

She sat up quickly, trying to fix her mess of hair, but it was all in vain.

“Is this a bad time?” She shook her head, not knowing what it was he wanted. Cal let himself in, closing the door behind him. Merrin raised a brow at that, but said nothing. He sat next to her, wringing his hands back and forth. She was certain she’d never seen him so nervous before.

“Is something wrong?” Her question seemed to bring him back to reality.

“Why have you been avoiding me? Have I done something to upset you?” How was she supposed to answer this? She could lie, and he’d probably accept whatever it was she told him, even if he didn’t believe it. Her earlier conversation with Cere crossed her mind, and that’s when she knew, he didn’t deserve that. Cal deserved the truth. Even at the cost of their friendship.

At her silence, Cal continued, “look if you’re mad at me, just tell me so I can fix it. You know you can always talk to me, Merrin.” He looked at her with pleading eyes and she knew right then, that she couldn’t keep lying to him.

_ Here goes nothing. _

She sucked in a breath, gathering whatever courage she had left. “Cal, please don’t think I’m angry with you, because I am not. It’s-it’s quite the opposite, actually.”

He frowned in confusion. “Oh? I don’t understand Merrin. You’ve hardly said a word to me in days, and-”

“I know, and I am sorry for my behavior. It was unacceptable, but I didn’t know how to tell you everything I wanted to say. And I...I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“What could possibly ruin our friendship?”

“I-I love you Cal.” She cleared her throat, mostly as a distraction, because she couldn’t bear to look at him. “I know you like Keylan, and I didn’t want to ruin that either. You’re too important to me.”

Now that it was out, she instantly regretted it. Cal was shocked into silence, it seemed, so Merrin scrambled to find a way to fix this. “I understand that you don’t see me that way, and I’ve accepted that.” The silence was deafening. “I should go.” It was her own room she wanted to leave, but she needed to get out, and fast.

Just as she was about to leave, a hand on her arm stopped her. “Please, don’t go.” She looked back to see those pleading eyes of his begging her to stay.  _ Damnit. _ “You...think I like Keylan?” Whatever it was she was expecting him to say, it certainly wasn’t  _ that. _

“Don’t you?”

“I do, yes. But not like that. She’s a good friend.”

Stunned momentarily, Merrin tries to work through what he’s just said. “But you spend all of your time with her. I thought-”

“She’s a wonderful friend, but…” Cal hesitates for a moment, “but she’s not you.” Cere’s earlier words rang through her mind.  _ Had she known? _

“Me?” Though it comes out as more of a statement, rather than a question.

“Yes, you Merrin. I spent more time with Keylan, because I thought you were upset with me, and I didn’t want to push you.” He turns just then, looking straight into her eyes. “But it’s always been you.” Cal takes her hand, cradling it in his own.

Merrin feels like she wants to cry. She hasn’t cried since the day her people were slaughtered, and she told herself she’d never shed another tear. That she would never again be  _ weak. _ But now? Even as a lone tear manages to escape, she doesn’t bother feeling weak. This is a happy tear. Cal wipes the tear away softly.

“Does  _ she  _ know? Keylan? I think she likes you.”

At that, he chuckles. “She doesn’t like me that way, either. In fact, there’s someone else she likes. He was taken by the  _ Empire, _ and she hopes to free him. That’s part of the reason why she joined us.”

Merrin felt ridiculous. How had  _ that  _ particular piece of information gone right over her head? Well, she supposed if she actually _ tried _ talking to Keylan, she might’ve known this. “I have been so foolish, haven’t I?” She says as she laughs through her tears.

Cal wipes away her tears, and she’s amazed at how  _ gentle _ he is. Not that she’d expected him to be any different, but she never thought she’d ever get to experience it firsthand. “Don’t worry about that now. You haven’t done anything  _ so _ terrible, that it can’t be fixed. Besides, I’ve uh, talked to her about you a lot. She knows how I feel.”

“You talked to her about me?”

“Well yeah, I didn’t know what to do, so I asked her for advice. She’s actually the one who encouraged me to come here tonight.”

Never in her wildest dreams, would Merrin have guessed she’d have Keylan to thank. “I suppose I owe her an apology,  _ and _ a thank you.”

Cal took her hand again, “I’m glad this all worked out. I can’t imagine a galaxy where you’re not important to me.” He gave her hand a light squeeze. “And Merrin, I do love you.” He said as he placed a kiss on her cheek.

Despite herself, Merrin felt her face heat up. “I love you too, Cal Kestis.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi!
> 
> Find me on tumblr @hothmess 😃


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